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His Identity Crisis

During my time of coaching there are a number of different issues that arise between couples that would cause the women to seek out relationship coaching. One of the most common reasons is his identity crisis. In a sex crazed, idolatrous, and self-centered world, there are a ton of distractions and temptations that every one of us have to fight through in order to live a life pleasing to God and to maintain a healthy relationship that can withstand the evils of this world. Now this can be a pretty hard task. What happens when you are winning the battle but your spouse seems to be drawn by the allure of the world?

The Allure

So, there's a new girl sniffing around your relationship....and what's worse is that he doesn't seem to mind. Or, the important core things that use to matter to him when you met him, like family time and saving, have now gone completely out of the window. Or, he is saying things now that don't match his actions, or his actions do not portray who you thought he was. All of this things are symptoms of an identity crisis. An identity crisis is when a person begins to challenge their core values and their identity they have built their life around because of some sense of discontentment, dissatisfaction or a desire to drastically change their life towards what they perceive as better. For most men, the allure comes from outside of themselves and for women, the allure comes from inside. This is such a confusing and in most cases, hurtful places to find yourself. However, their is hope, especially if you see the signs early.

The Signs

What seems to catch your spouse's attention? What has his conversation shifted to? What things is he adamant about making time for? Does he still honor his word and commitments or is he shrugging them off as if they don't matter? Who is he hanging around? Has the company he keeps changed? Are any of the people he hangs around saved or happily married? Is he still open with you? Or is he closed up and trying to be a bit more private than normal? If the answers of these questions are negative or you can see that the answers have changed from what they use to be, it's time to pay close attention. We all grow and evolve, but if his New interests do not naturally include you then it's time to pray and take action.

The Solution

Maintain your friendship with your spouse and make it stronger. Be interested in what he is interested in without judgement. Intentionally be apart of his "new" world so you can know what to pray against. Get to know the people he hangs around and their families if applicable. Keep God at the forefront, and remind him of God's love for him and his relationship with God. Allow your own self love, and brilliance to shine so that his attraction to you is still valued. Be his peace without manipulation. Pray for him and together with him. Do not intentionally stand between him and what his new interests are, but become apart of them. Along with this, include him in your interests and make him feel significant within your life.  Little by little, speak of the things that mattered to him and nurture his core values, integrity and commitments that he has honored in the past and connect that to his present successes. Don't demean or emasculate him.

In Conclusion

Remember that an identity crisis is not a personal attack against you! It's about him seeking out those things that make him happy and feel fulfilled. Your friendship, love, patience, prayer and beauty during this time is needed. With God, all things are possible. A three fold cord is not easily broken. No matter what, you don't have to lose yourself simply because he is lost. So don't give up on your relationship but keep it before God in prayer and allow God to Bless your actions of faith and favor you with victory.

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